I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
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Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
This is not me but this is me
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
These are my roll models.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”