I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
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1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.