All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
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me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Very good news from my accountant
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.