@Thynebear [edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
@amydillon All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
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@Thynebear 
@sageboggs GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
@JasonLastname Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
@theDanLawler A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
@UncleBob56 I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
@Megatronic13 Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
@daemonic3 Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
@bigmacher Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
@AClkwrkStarfish The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
@ninjadinosaur1 ‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.