the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
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Does your wife know you’re single?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
there’s probably a fee though
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
this FaceApp is creepy af
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…