“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Want his attention?
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
ME *enters new password*
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does