@texasstalkermom

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

@zoeklar

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

@SardonicTart

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

@_Tempo11

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

@ArfMeasures

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

@ArfMeasures

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

@ArfMeasures

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does