Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
felt that
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]