My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
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Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
can you read it!!??
maan!
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
i can’t wait that long
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.