My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
You Might Also Like
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.