The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists