*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
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It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I think I’ll stand