My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.