This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
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let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
This week’s mood.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.