“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro