“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun