“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .