@UncleDuke1969

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

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@68Cly29

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

@BarryVonAwesome

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

@ddsmidt

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

@bossy_bootz

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

@sad_tree

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

@Brianhopecomedy

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

@SuperRandomish

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

@TheCleftonTwain

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity