“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Love it! 👍😂
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators