Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I feel seen.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …