To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
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I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
dude it’s called proctologist
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live