But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
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me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.