But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
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Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Anarchy
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”