But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
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When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.