[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
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boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
scared to check what name she chose
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.