Alexa: *deep breath*
You Might Also Like
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY