If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
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I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Get in loser we’re going crying
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Don’t snitch tag.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever