I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
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Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.