My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Cats are still liquid.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”