When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
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Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house