Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
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I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Home #decor warning.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”