4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
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I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Monday
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
The days of good grammer has went
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Ah..makes sense now
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.