Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
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I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Why is this me 😫
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?