FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
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This classic never gets old . . .
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
i wish we could shoplift online
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Made something I’m not proud of
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?