FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
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Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.