“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
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The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are