I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My birth announcement for our third baby
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin