If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
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Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.![]()
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Best spoiler warning ever
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I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Sheep
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