Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
“our sushi is very fresh”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.