Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
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i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE