“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
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Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom