Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
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[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.