My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
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Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?