My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
This is hilarious….
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.