Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
This is so me 😂😂
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy