Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
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*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.