[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
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How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.