There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
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Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Sending in my taxes
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
There is no try. There is only give up.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Meanwhile in Portland…
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.