There is no try. There is only give up.
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If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
What flavor cupcake are these
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.