So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
You Might Also Like
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Denise please return my vape pen
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs