I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
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If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
not to brag, but mine was free
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.