Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Saturday
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout