dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
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I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
This hospital has everything
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Very good news from my accountant
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
my proudest tweet
incredible
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no