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$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
This is my cat’s medicine.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks