Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
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My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
describing stardew valley
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My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Blew out my flip flop…
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
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[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
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inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Yeah. This was me today.
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[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
According to math, I’m broke
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.