describing stardew valley
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I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
live long and prosper!
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.