I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
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The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??