When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
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A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
is this a threat
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”