bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
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I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists