My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
my dad has had enough
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.