Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
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“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
New comic up. “Ransom”
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It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?