Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
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“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas