Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
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I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.